Monday, August 31, 2015

"I'm fine." [save me]

I've been avoiding writing this post for a long time. I didn't know if I was strong enough or brave enough to be open about my struggles. But I have decided that this is something that needs to be said.

I have depression.

I was diagnosed with it on my mission. One day things were going great, the next day I literally felt something inside my head snap. I was shocked the morning after when the alarm went off at 6:30 and I physically could not move. It felt like half my brain had shut off. I could cry at the drop of a hat and I couldn't make a decision to save my life. Quite often I would have to tell my companions,"I just need to sit in the dark and pretend I don't exist." And then I would curl up in the fetal position under the covers and try to fight the internal battle in my head.

I couldn't figure out why God had done this to me. I was doing my best, and I had devoted my life for 6 months (thus far) to His service. Didn't He want me to be my best? Didn't He want me to work my hardest to find the souls that needed saving? Why couldn't He just heal me so that I could continue my work?

I learned over time that depression helped me learn about myself and gave me much more empathy for others. I was asked to be a leader for the sisters in my mission twice, and found out that over half the sisters in my jurisdiction had depression also. I tried to help them and their companions understand that they were not alone and they were loved. I had to be patient with myself as I learned how to function again. I had to relearn to love myself even when the thoughts my depressed brain said told me I was worthless. I became stronger through this weakness. (Ether 12:27)

I received a lot of negative backlash when I tried to be open about this. A lot of my companions thought I was disobedient. Someone told me I was wasting my mission. Others said that I was using depression as an excuse to be lazy. My mission president even threatened to send me home.

So can you blame me for waiting over 2 years to come clean about this?

Depression is different for everyone. For me, I'm unbelievably tired all the time. Mornings are impossibly hard because it takes so long to get my body to move after I wake up. I quite frequently need long naps. Life will be going great and I just need to cry. I have to constantly distract myself because heaven forbid I be alone with my demeaning thoughts about myself. The best visual way to describe how I feel was like I've been dropped in a pit and the more I tried to climb out the more exhausted I become. Even the most simple tasks become overwhelming.

Mental illness is such a frustrating battle. As Elder Holland said, you can't tell someone with a broken arm to suck it up and deal with it. But since mental illness is hidden, it's hard to prove when you are broken. There is such a negative stigma around depression, and its hard to truly understand until you have it yourself.

My motivation to finally write this has come from many people who have been open about their depression. But I was very inspired by this picture that I found while surfing the Internet and it's caption.



The caption reads in part:
Today, I am coming out with something that only few of you know. I am ready to have a conversation about my mental illness.
Last year, I was diagnosed with depression. And in all honesty, I believe it was a problem for quite a while before that, but I think it just got worse to the point of hardly functioning.
So today, I got this tattoo. I feel that my leg was the best place for the meaning behind it. When everyone else sees it, they see “I’m fine,” but from my viewpoint, it reads “save me.” To me, it means that others see this person that seems okay, but, in reality, is not okay at all. It reminds me that people who may appear happy, may be at battle with themselves.
To me, depression is the days that I feel sad for no reason.
Depression is the mornings that I don’t feel capable of getting out of bed.
Depression is the sleeping too much, or sleeping too little.
Depression is the homework that I never completed, simply because I didn’t feel like I was capable.
Depression is the break downs I have over absolutely nothing.
Depression is the eating too much, or eating too little.
Depression is the nights I begin to cry because I feel so overwhelmed, even though everything is going right.
Depression is the 50 pounds I carry in my chest at all times.
Depression is the need to constantly be distracted (being on social media, playing video games, watching movies or shows, or working all the time) because I can’t trust myself with my thoughts for longer than 3 minutes.
Depression is the friendships that have suffered because of my inability to function.
Depression is the hurtful thoughts and actions I have towards myself.
Depression is the tears I have because I don’t know why I feel so worthless, when I know I should feel happy.
This is one of the most difficult things to open up about because it’s extremely hard for me to feel vulnerable…but this needs to be talked about. Mental illness is serious, but so shamed in our society. We care so much for our physical health, but hardly a thing about our mental state. And that is seriously messed up. Mental illness is not a choice and will likely hit everyone at some point in their life. If it’s such a huge issue, why aren’t we having this conversation about it?
That’s why I got this tattoo; they are great conversation starters. This forces me to talk about my own struggle, and why the awareness of it is important. You’d be surprised by how many people YOU know that struggle with depression, anxiety, or other mental illness. I may only be one person, but one can save another...and that's all I could really ask for.
As I read this post, I found myself nodding along with every single line. She has inspired me to be brave and to raise awareness for mental illness.

I'm still a happy person. I find a lot in life to be happy about. I'm still learning and struggling, and I'm not healed yet. I don't know if I ever will be. But I know that on my mission I learned to completely lean on my Savior. No one else knows how I truly feel except Him, and I could feel Him guiding my actions and giving me strength on my mission. I had no choice but to let Him help me, and I've been so humbled by the experience.

I hope that those of you who read this will not judge, but will try to understand. I realize mental illness is hard to comprehend at times. So many people are fighting a battle in their head that you don't even realize. Everyone has their demons that we have to deal with. I just hope that by sharing this I can inspire you to be a little kinder to each other through our struggles.

11 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for opening up about this. Honestly it helped me understand those I know who struggle with depression. You are an amazing woman and I love you so much!!!

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  2. You are so brave! I hope that your path becomes easier soon. Hugs :)

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  3. I understand what you are going through. I have experienced many, many years of depression. Just like yours, it wasn't constant and I fought it tooth and nail, but it always returned. I finally discovered the root cause of mine and now it only crops up rarely. It really can get better, so don't give up hope. :) It is brave to admit it out loud and to share your experiences, especially when the perception is to put on a happy face. Please know that others see you for the beautiful, brave, talented, honest and real woman that you are.

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  4. I would never judge you! We all fight our own deamons. I personally suffer from anxiety which can easily lead to depressions. I'm medicated and happily admit it. Don't be embarrassed! It doesn't matter how you come with life...see a therapist, take.medication, do some yoga! Just do what you need to do and find happiness. You are a wonderful and brave daughter of GOD! Love ya!!!

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  5. You know I support you 100%. I know how this feels because I suffer from it too. Maybe not in the same way as you but I do know the struggles of finding a way to deal with it. I've concluded I most certainly will not have this healed but only in and through our savior we can be made perfect. I do love you to pieces, all your broken pieces! 😘

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  6. Chantel, I've struggled a lot with Depression as well and know how frustrating and difficult it can be. I hope you're getting some good treatment and being nice to yourself.

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  7. Thank you for sharing this personal side of your life. Please know that you are loved and missed here in Georgia. I so enjoyed having you in my home and getting to know you and share in the gospel with you.

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  8. Chantel, thank you for sharing. I think you are absolutely incredible because of the brave way you face your depression and the desire you have to help and serve others even when your life overwhelms you. Thank you for your example :).

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  9. Sooooo grateful you shared this Chantel! Several of my siblings have suffered chronically and horribly from this illness and I, too have also had bouts with it. It is such a robbery of so much. Hope you've found a great doctor and know your are not alone! Thank you for your courage!

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  10. Thank you so much for sharing this. I know it's been forever since we've talked, but I can't even tell you how much this blog post helped me. I've struggled with depression too for most of my life and now I'm still dealing with postpartum depression. You've inspired me to be more open about what I'm going through. I love you so much and let me know next time you're in Texas, we definitely have to catch up ☺

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