Stop thief!

To the (expletive) who stole my keys,

1. There's this commandment, called "Thou shalt not steal."
2. People who break commandments have a special place that they go.
3. It's called hell. Purgatory. Spirit Prison. Whatever name you want to give it.
4. There's another thing called repentance. It starts when you fix your life.
5. Fixing your life starts with returning my keys.

Therefore, keeping keys = hell. Turning in keys = happiness! Peace of mind! Forgiveness!

TURN IN MY KEYS, (repeat previous expletive)!

Plus, the joke's really on you. My apartment is too much effort to rob. Trust me, I moved into an apartment on the 3rd floor for a reason. And moving day was one of the worst days of my life. And my car, as much as I love it, really isn't worth stealing either.

So person who has my keys,
once again,
for your own good,
TURN IN MY KEYS!!!